March 03, 2016

Turning into an insomniac

Seriously, I am supposed to be sleeping now. And try as I might, I simply am not able to soothe my mind to sleep. Last few months have been very, very restless. So much so, that even though no less than 70 odd drafts sit in this blog, waiting to be finished, and some 50 more thoughts would have captured my attention strongly enough to translate them into ideas for more posts, I hardly published anything in the last 3 months. Guilty conscience... writer's block.. whatever the reason might be, I simply could not bring myself to complete any post, and the most I could do was extensively rework a few drafts. At this point, I really need to thank those of you who have persevered enough to still come back to this page, despite the prolonged inactivity. And more so for bearing with this rant, as I have no idea as to what exactly I am trying to convey through this post, except that I know I am blabbering randomly out of sleeplessness. Besides, there is not much that I can do at this hour. I sincerely hope I publish this post before I fully read it - I will never publish something like this if I do read it critically.

Just now, I almost considered discarding this post before I almost considering hitting Publish button instantly in the fear of adding to the list of unfinished posts. See, THAT'S the thing: It has been like that almost all the time in the last couple of months, with everything - not just blogging. Just when I brace myself to start afresh on any piece of work, I work myself into inaction out of restlessness about challenges and consequences. It happens often. I become frigid to block myself from everything, restlessness included. And I am close to turning nocturnal now. At times, I simply can't sleep, and today, I found myself to be Googling 'How to make yourself fall asleep' and 'How to avoid restlessness'. And I ended up whiling away some more time not sleeping and not becoming any closer to falling alseep. None of the online tips helped of course, because mine is a problem of lack of will than that of knowledge. I know all those tips already, and I did try deep breathing, emptying my brain of all thoughts etc., but some things are easier said than done. The source of restlessness is something which I can't do much about, and thinking about it is only increasing it. Sometimes, waiting periods can be cruel, but I guess it all boils down to how you can handle uncertainty.

And now, I was almost close to discarding this post again, because the guilty conscience is in operation, and is drawing my attention to the clock ticking away with. This again, is also something which has been happening almost all the time of late. When I am doing anything I enjoy, I feel restless about other important things which are due from me, and I again become inactive. As a result of this futile inaction on anything meaningful, I end up whiling away my time on random things which just keep me occupied enough to not let me think or act, like reading Harry Potter. I really should not be saying anything against Harry Potter books: they have been my faithful companions during tough phases. I hope they will get me out of the blackhole this time too.

Anyway, my mobile battery is running out of power, and I have ranted enough. Thanks for reading till the end, and sorry for boring you with what can be surmised as inadequate, unsolicited excuses for not blogging regularly, and for not giving you a good post which I am sure you were hoping for. Honestly, I really care about you as a reader so I do promise to either be more regular in future or publish a better post next time (it's too ambitious to promise them both together, and I firmly believe in 'Under-promise, over-deliver'!).

I missed this space so much, it's hard to stop the rant! Good night...